I come from a family teeming with neurodivergence — and my doctoral studies were in ethics at Boston College. That combination is why I spent the last decade researching shame in neurodivergence. Because the existing answers weren't good enough.

Who I Am

My name is Tiffany Israel. I am a professional academic by training and a neurodivergent twice-exceptional woman to the core.

I come from a family bursting with lively neurodivergence and I married into a Belgian family teeming with even more. Seven confirmed neurodivergent females in our immediate families. Hello DNA.

I earned a BA from the University of Notre Dame and completed doctoral studies in ethics at Boston College on a prestigious fellowship. But the credentials are only part of the story.

Only men are allowed to be absent-minded professors — losing keys and chapters of their own thesis. Absent-minded women are just ditzy. Hello masking. Hello shame. Hello ulcer. I could not reconcile myself to myself. And I lived in fear of being found out by my professors. Of course I had anxiety.

How I Got Here

It is no surprise that I spent my academic life studying the relationship between ethical behavior, values, and cultures. Like many unidentified neurodivergent women I was trying to understand why I had such a hard time meeting valued expectations even as I was trying so hard. I am looking at you punctuality.

Being late gets you labeled selfish, lazy, or disorganized. All character assassinations. But I could not fathom how I could be any of those things when I so greatly value caring for others, hard work, and a well organized drawer.

When I learned after the birth of my child that I am twice-exceptionally neurodivergent it all made sense. My questions changed. I began focusing on who determines these ethical and social standards of behavior, who is designated to judge them, what measures are used to assess them, and what tools are used to enforce them.

Not surprisingly shame is one of those enforcement tools. And neurodivergent people do not fare well in any of the research.

What I Found

I redirected my doctoral research toward a question nobody else was asking. I analyzed why outcomes for neurodivergent girls are so much worse than for neurodivergent boys and neurotypical girls. I searched for overlooked factors that might be significant in changing those outcomes.

After years of analysis I found one factor that was both obvious and entirely overlooked.

Shame.

Shame is a critical factor in why neurodivergent girls are imploding.

But simply telling girls not to feel shame — or that they have superpowers or to have more faith — does nothing to eradicate the toxic effects of the shame directed at them every single day. It can actually worsen those effects.

So I spent years more researching how neurodivergent girls process shame — how it accumulates and calcifies — in order to understand how to address its debilitating effects. It turns out we really do need a different parenting approach for neurodivergent girls.

Yes you really do have one of the most challenging parenting assignments. You are not crazy, lazy, incapable, or weak. It really is that hard and you really are flying without a compass. But I can guide you through the fog.

What I Observed

As an American who has lived and worked in two different countries in Europe for almost a decade, I know firsthand how neurodivergent girls are misunderstood, judged, shamed, and isolated across cultures — especially compared to boys. I know how their parents are shamed too. I know how cultures shape the way we judge girls, behaviors, and parenting. And I am painfully familiar with the shaming stink eye as it is given in different languages and cultures.

Mostly, I am deeply frustrated that neurodivergent girls are imploding every single day in every corner of the world. And so are their parents.

Apart from a few pioneers — Dr. Ellen Littman Dr. Kathleen Nadeau Dr. Patricia Quinn and Dr. Stephen Hinshaw — who care deeply about girls and have significantly paved the way to establish that girls even can be neurodivergent — hardly anyone has been focusing on how to parent neurodivergent girls to thrive.

Help was not on the way. Not for girls.

Why I Could Not Wait

I am writing a book on what neurodivergent girls need to thrive and how parents can best support them. But I cannot get it out there fast enough. Because every single day matters for some girl and her family whose life could be so very different today while I am editing footnotes.

So I started bringing this research directly to parents — in clear actionable ways that make a real difference immediately. Because I know you cannot wait for support that works. For her, for you, and for the rest of your family.

Neither could I.

My Why

My why is the extraordinary but misunderstood and shamed neurodivergent girls in my family and yours.

My why is the overwhelmed, isolated, and shamed parents desperate to find support that works for their cherished daughters.

My why is you. Because it could be easier. For her and for you. I found a way.